She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
