mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
