do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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