After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
