He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize