Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Holy shit dude........stairs
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