I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
