That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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