Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
We need to get me chipped asap
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
