I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
