my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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