some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
