I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We were destined to go to rehab together
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
