so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Randomize