oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
