i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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