She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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