I wish I could punch you in the face.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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