Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
