i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
