A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
