Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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