You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
