Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize