I'm sorry my penis didn't work
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
