he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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