So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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