god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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