There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
