There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
