If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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