i was born a porn star she said
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
