I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
