everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize