Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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