If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
