I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
This is my gift to your gina
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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