people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
