it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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