Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
