All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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