I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
