I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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