Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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