Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
