Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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