When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
