So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
