i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Boobs speak an international language.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
