Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
