theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
