Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I looked at my own cervix.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize