i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
