he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
