first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
