My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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