I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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