My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
