Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
