That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
