Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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