party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
