My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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