i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
