he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You ruined the universe
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
