I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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