another moral hangover. fuck.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
